some dishwasher fun

No one ever told me you can't put liquid soap in a dishwasher!
Well, at least the kids had fun!
"Mom, You made bubbles!"

They just kept spewing and spewing and spewing...forever!

This apartment has given me my FIRST dishwasher experience. Yes, my very first ever in my life because people just didn't have fancy appliances where I grew up, nor did all the crummy apartments I lived in in college, nor did Micah and I have one after all these years of marriage.
And you know what? Old habits live on, because we barely use it! This is probably the fifth time we've tried it, although this is the first time using liquid soap, after running out of powder.
I've always wanted a dishwasher because I thought it would make my life easier,
but nope, it just makes life more bubblier!

(You, too, can make dishwasher bubbles spew out onto your floor. Just fill your entire soap loader with liquid soap, such as Dawn, start your washer, and wait. It takes about 5 minutes for the bubbles to start, and about 3 large towels to sop them all up.)

Hawaii and stuff

I'm starting to have pre-moving jitters and anxiety, about getting on a plane and relocating 3000 miles away! We don't officially have a job offer yet, but Micah and I have decided to make plans to move. Yes, it is an adventure, but yes, I am getting a bit nervous about it.

Believe it or not, it was Micah's idea to finally make the decision to move to Hawaii. Although I'm the one who grew up there, and I'm the one who has dreamed of moving back for so many years, I am also the one who had all these fears and reservations about making the plunge to just do it.
It seems that every time we brought it up these past years, I would get really turned off by the price of realty, or the loss of opportunities over there, or the fact that we'll be so far away from some of our family, and all our friends we've made on the mainland. After being here for 10 years, it was really hard for me to mentally part with it. I feel in so many ways that I have done all my growing up here. It was my move to the mainland that gave me my husband and my family, and my grown up life. I was feeling that, by moving away, I would be leaving myself here! It was a scary feeling, which encouraged all these other fears and reservations about moving over there. (Yes, I am an oddball, as if you didn't know that.)

Then my sweet Micah would hug me, and laugh at me, and do a bunch of research and thinking, and come back to counter my arguments. "We can afford our own land on the Big Island," he'd say. "We will have so much fun stuff to do and so many adventures to go on!," he'd argue. "We can come back every year and visit family, and I'll bet our friends will come to Hawaii to see us," he'd explain, making me realize that we can do it, and that it is what we really want to do.

And it is really what I want to do! In fact, the reality of our move is getting closer and closer, to where I can actually smell plumerias and taste manapua! das right!
And all those fears about moving, they are gone, gone, gone, like a jet-plane to Hawaii. Yes, I want to move back, and yes, I will be bringing my grown-up, married self along with me. ha ha.

So, I am so excited to get back to da kine! I am so excited to introduce our kids to sea turtles, and surfing, and rainforests, and mango trees. Micah and I are so excited to plant our seeds and roots in such a beautiful, natural paradise, where there is more than enough to do for all of us! Zadok is already so excited about all the animals. He asks us everyday what sorts of critters live on the land and in the sea. (He is planning out his Polynesian-creature-power suits)
I am really excited to plant myself in a community long-term, to get to know the people and the ward there, and be involved with all the little, wonderful things that make up life.


Back to the annoying jitters. So why these annoying jitters? Well, every morning now, I wake up and look around my house and think, "Oh my holy goodness, I have to do something with all this stuff!"
This apartment is filled with seven years of our marriage belongings, necessities, presents, souvenirs, furniture, books, toys, appliances, and stuff that we have collected as a family. When I was single I had 2 large boxes to my name! Now I have an entire household and more. Since we can't take it all with us, my huge, overwhelming task at hand is to organize, categorize, simplify, and downsize, until we are down to almost nothing but the essentials.

Well, almost the essentials. There's still a lot I can't part with.

I don't get attached to furniture, which is good. It will be easy to sell or get rid of all our dressers and beds and chairs and such. (which half of them came from thrift stores, anyways)
However, as I look around I can't help but sniffle over the thought of parting with my wooden, handcrafted, 1975 sewing-thread holder, or our nice set of glass Pyrex bowls we got at our wedding. Then there's little things like the snow globe of Temple Square that I got Micah for Christmas one year, and the toy keyboard we gave to Zadok while he was waiting for Odin to be born in the other room. What about those? They are cheap and replaceable, but hold nostalgic memories for me. Then there's the little knick knacks and kitchen things that we take for granted every day; the garlic press, the rolling pin, my beaded purse, and don't forget the junk drawer of random necessities that glues our whole family together!
Do I just let them all go and replace them later? And what about all the gifts we've received over the years? The toys that the boys love and cherish, and the wooden train set they love? I can't part with gifts! AAAAaaaaagh! This is making my head spin.
And what about giving stuff away? Does anyone need a nebulizer, a giant fan, or a popcorn popper? They are all free, along with boxes and boxes of other stuff I'll be producing over the next couple months.

On another note, I was thinking again this weekend how badly I want this to all work out, and asking God to hear my prayers about Micah getting a good job over there. Then the thought came to me that God wants me to be happy and live a life I love, but he also knows that I can be happy anywhere, because I have a family that I love.
This is really the thought that puts the icing on the cake for me. Hawaii is merely a tasty lick of frosting compared to what we already have.

So, I really hope we can get over there, and that Micah gets a job offer, but if we end up staying and working here, I won't cry and make a big fuss. Promise.

Seriously though, does anyone need a maddock?

Soul Surfer

There's a new Hollywood surf movie coming out April 8th, called "Soul Surfer," about the life of Bethany Hamilton. She was the 13 (now 21) year old girl who was attacked by a shark while surfing on Kauai in 2003, losing her entire left arm.
I hadn't paid too much attention to the news story at the time it happened. I was living here in Utah, far away from Hawaii and the surfing scene. But I remember being shocked about the way it happened, because it was such a beautiful, crystal-clear morning, and the shark just came out of nowhere.
I can remember so many times waking up early, as a young girl, before the sun had risen, to catch those crystal clear waves, just like her. You never thought in your head, "A shark might come bite my arm off." But...It happens, and it happened to the little Bethany Hamilton.

When I heard this movie was coming out I decided to go check out her book at the library, and read about it, first. The book is also called, "Soul Surfer," and it is actually a really inspiring book! At first I was intrigued by the shark attack, and had fun reading about her life surfing and growing up in Hawaii, but most importantly, I walked away super inspired by her faith in God and Jesus Christ.

Bethany Hamilton is a Christian and believes that this shark attack, which was really traumatic and hard, actually opened up a window for her to teach others about Christ. How awesome is that!
She has taken this opportunity to be a missionary, and to be an example of hope and faith that God has a plan for us, even when life doesn't go the way we expect it to. She has helped so many people to have hope during hard things in their lives, especially youth who have undergone serious accidents and problems they didn't feel they could overcome.
After Bethany's shark attack and loss of one arm, she still went on to become a professional, champion surfer. Now that's hardcore!

I loved reading this book, and I loved that her optimistic attitude allowed her to use this accident as a way to serve others and God. Can't wait for the movie to come out.
I hope it conveys the same positive message as the book.

(And when I say book, I'm talking hardback, thick font, double spacing, with pictures, written by a 14 year old. It's an easy one, and I read it in 2 hours. Go check it out!)

40 days-facebook free

I decided to give up checking and browsing facebook for 40 days. Some friends of mine were discussing what they should give up for Lent when one of them jokingly said, "How about facebook?" We all laughed.

The general consensus amongst us was that giving up facebook would be impossible, because facebook is such a lifeline, and such an important connection to the rest of the world!

"How would I know what was going on everyday?"
"How would I connect with my friends everyday??"
"How would I be able to share my happy/sad/frustrating news everyday???"

Well, once upon a time we didn't have facebook, and once upon a time we were all still functional. So, I temporarily deleted my account, just to see. I have until April 18th until I allow myself back onto facebook.

I think everyone gets something different out of facebook. For me, fb is a way to hear news about people- a marriage, the birth of a baby, a move to a new place. And not only do I get to receive news, I get to share news. I can't even name all the blessings that have come from connecting with friends on fb. Oftentimes when I have needed help, or needed an answer to some quandary, the answer has come from a facebook friend.
When we had to hurry up and move to SLC, with nowhere to stay, it was a fb friend who offered her mother's basement for us to stay in. When my phone fell in the water and I needed a new one, it was a fb friend that replaced my phone. When we were looking for friends to kid swap with, so Micah and I could get dates, it was fb friends that we swapped with. (and it's still working out marvelously, by the way)

Sometimes I think even God even uses facebook......or else he answers our prayers through other facebook users. he he.
I'd also like to think we have helped other people as well, through the opportunities we've found via social networking site.

But, even with all the good things that have come from being a fb user,there is also this addiction that keeps me coming back, at times when I really don't want to. Like late at night when I want to read a good book, fb wins. Or in the morning when I want to make a delicious breakfast, fb wins again, and we eat toast. Sometimes I even use fb to ignore my responsibilities, or my whining kids, and that's no good. No good at all.
I have been spending more time than I want to on fb recently, and if I recall, that's one of the things on my happy list of things not to do.

So maybe I shouldn't give up facebook, maybe I should just practice some self-discipline!

But I want to. At least for right now. At least for Lent. I may not be Catholic but I know there is great merit in sacrifice, and with sacrifice comes new awareness and maybe even some purification of the soul.
Also, giving up facebook for 40 days is a challenge for me, and sometimes it's good to challenge yourself. (As if life isn't challenging enough. ha ha) But, I'd like to see how strong I am with this one.
Lastly, I've been getting this strong feeling that there's other really important things I need to do right now, and maybe I wouldn't be aware of them or open to them if I was spending my free time on FB. (which is only like 20 minutes a day, but I don't really have 20 minutes a day to browse the web!)

Wow-April 18th seems so far away. I can do this!

dear blog

Dear blog,

I am so sorry I've left you alone a lot lately. I realize how much I miss you and how much you really mean to me. I didn't mean to break up with you so quickly and so hurtfully. I hope you will forgive me and let me explain.

I mean, we've had our rough spots, (like that time I went on vacation for 2 whole weeks), and sometimes I feel like you take too much time away from other things that are important to me. Though don't get me wrong, I still care about you.
I just feel like lately we are growing apart, and my commitment to you feels so inconsistent and unsure. I don't want to lose you, so I'd like us to stay together, but I guess I feel like I'm failing to be what you need me to be. But gosh, that doesn't mean we can't still be friends, or still meet together on occasion, like old times!!

Maybe we can just take this real slowly and not make any rash decisions we'll regret later. I think I'd like that.
And who knows, maybe we can pick up again someday right where we left off.

Friends?

Yours truly,

Sally

Privacy?

As my children get older and more established as "real human beings," I am wondering how appropriate it is for me to keep writing and posting pictures of them on my blog. I know some people wouldn't take issue with it at all, but I am starting to feel like they need to have their own voice and their own rights to privacy.

When they grow up, will they be happy with me that I shared their lives and faces with the entire world, (well, it's open to the entire world), or will they be upset that I volunteered a piece of their lives without asking permission?

I am the Mother, so writing about my family and my children is a big part of who I am, but when all is said and done, they are individuals, and they are people. Perhaps that should be taken into consideration.

I am just mulling this over. Any thoughts?

my Winter calendar

NOVEMBER: Hey look guys, snow! Wooohooo it's snowing! Let's get out the sleds, and warm jackets. Oh boy, it's my favorite gloves and hat! I've missed you, my favorite gloves and hat! C'mon everyone lets' bundle up, run around, and build a big snowman! Weehoo! I LOVE snow!

DECEMBER: I sure hope it's a beautiful, white Christmas! I sure love snowflakes and snow angels, hot cocoa, and new warm pajamas! Let's bundle up by the fire, light some candles, and read Wintery poems of romance and whimsical, happy snow-filled places!

JANUARY: It's snowing.......again. I guess we should go sledding, since it's nice out. But it's so stinking cold. I sure wish it wasn't so cold. Well, I guess we'll just stay in because bundling up the kids is so tedious and hard, and I can't find anyone's missing gloves or socks. Geez, that darn cold is making my ears hurt!Let's watch a movie instead.

FEBRUARY: Stop the fricking snow already! I hate snow. And that stinkin cold air is such a harsh slap in the face. I just want to go outside and feel comfortable, and go for a nice walk without feeling the cold, sting of death on my face. Damn snow is making me crazy. If it snows one more time I swear I'm gonna lose it. If we watch one more movie I'm gonna cry. Do they make anti-depressants just for Winter?

keeping the happy

I'm not saying I'm an expert on happiness, but I do know that it is something that everyone strives for in this life. "Happiness is the object and design of our existence", as the Prophet Joseph Smith once said. And I do know that happiness is what motivates us to do things like work harder, be stronger and better, learn more, find peace, find religion, find answers and direction in life--you name it. I think most people will agree that happiness is important.

When I wake up and hug my kids and play on the floor with them, I am happy. When I wake up and start cleaning and checking email and making lists of things I need to do, I am unhappy. (I can do it later!)
When I take all the extra free time I have to write in my personal journal, or read my scriptures, or read the latest issue of the Ensign, or read a good book, I am happy. When I use all my extra free time on cyberspace social networking, or clicking through the endless sea of blogs about people I don't even know, I am unhappy. When I wake up and say my own prayers and pray with my kids, I am happy. When I exercise I am happy. When I don't exercise I am unhappy. When I watch a good movie with my husband I am happy. When I idly flip channels on cable I am unhappy. Holding and snuggling our baby makes me happy. Thinking about ever being away from my baby makes me unhappy. Working outside of my home would make me extremely unhappy. Spending time with Micah makes me happy, hence getting our kids to bed at 8 o'clock pm makes me happy.(although waking up at the butt crack of morning makes me unhappy...but ya can't have it all) Being my authentic self makes me happy. When I help a Mom with breastfeeding I am happy. When I do nice things and serve others I am happy. When I eat a lot of junk food I am unhappy. When I finish an awesome sewing project I am happy. When I let a messy house stress me out I am unhappy. When I wake up each day happy and grateful to be mother to these 3 wonderful kids and wife to amazing Micah, I am happy.Oh and rainbows and pumpkins make me very happy......and on and on.....

Knowing what makes me happy and unhappy is pretty cool. I am going for happy these days, so spending more time doing what makes me happy and less time doing what makes me unhappy seems logical. I am grateful for God's help in helping me find the happy, keep the happy, and continue to follow the happy. I fully appreciate that He points me in the right directions (when I ask), because otherwise I could be a basket-case.

Everyone's happy is going to be different.
This is my happy right now.

I should also mention the happy inspiration I've received from reading this article, "Of Things that Matter Most." by Dieter F. Uchtdorf. Some of my favorite quotes,
"In family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e."
"We have to forego some good things in order to choose others that are better or best because they develop faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and strenghthen our families."
"I think most of us intuitively understand how important the fundamentals are. It is just that we sometimes get distracted by so many things that seem more enticing."
"As we evaluate our own lives with a willing mind, we will see where we have drifted from the more excellent way. The eyes of our understanding will be opened, and we will recognize what needs to be done to purify our heart and refocus our life."


Also, photo booth makes me happy:



"Happiness is the object and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, if we pursue the path that leads to it; and this path is virtue, uprightness, faithfulness, holiness, and keeping all the commandments of God."
— Joseph Smith Jr.

Gr8ful

I am grateful for exactly 8 things right now, and you get to hear them:
I am grateful:

1. For libraries and checking out free learning materials for our family to enjoy. I am really into trying out new music lately and love the CD selections. (Currently listening to Jamaican Playground and Songs to Grow On For Mother and Child by Woodie Guthrie)

2. For our Samoan neighbors downstairs. They laugh really loudly a lot, and smile really big and yell, "HI SALLY!" when I see them, and blast their music at all hours, and value their friendships and families. I miss the unconventional, outspokenness of the Polynesian culture, and am grateful that it's somewhat here at our apts right now.

3.That my husband isn't one of the 14,000,000 Americans that is out of work right now.

4. For finding La Leche League 5 years ago and how it has helped shape my mothering knowledge and experience in such a positive way.

5. For answers to prayers. For that gentle nudge you feel when you know you got the answer you need, then you go forward peacefully with what you need to do.

6. For Wendy and Sara, my two friends here in SLC. Last week we went out to lunch and had so much fun talking for literally hours. We don't hang out all the time, but knowing they are here and they are my friends, means more than they know.

7. For knowing that my family is more important than anything else, and for loving and embracing my role as a mother and a housewife. For knowing that I don't have to feel pressure or guilt for doing what I love the most. (I know the pressure is out there full force, but it's no interest of mine to be a part of it. I am happy right where I am and I'm grateful for that!)

8. That God gave me a sense of humor. I find a lot of things funny, things that really shouldn't be funny, are funny. I like to laugh a lot and I'm grateful for that.

That's 8 for being Gr8ful! Have a nice day!

Mei Tais make friends

Our little Zadok was just 3 months old when we first moved to Idaho in 2006. Micah and I had lived in Los Angeles, CA for the first 2 years of our marriage, and were now beyond ready to move on. I'm still not sure what possessed us to choose Idaho, as neither of us had any real connections to the place. Micah had an aunt and uncle in Sugar City that he worked for before his mission, and I had heard of Idaho, but had never been there before.
I remember driving all night to get there, leaving the bustling, polluted, city lights behind us. We arrived in Sugar City early in the morning, where we finally got out of the cramped car and dumped ourselves onto Micah's families front lawn. When we woke up the next morning, we were Idahoans.
I can still remember the feeling of complete liberation as I saw the beautiful scene around us; green meadows of grass and flowers, tall fields of wheat, a little creek passing through the yard, and the majestic Grand Teton mountains standing tall in the distance. I was so happy to be in the country again.

After renting an apartment in Rexburg for 3 months, we ended up buying a house in a small town called Rigby, population 3000, which was about 25 mins South of Rexburg. It was a small, cottage type house where we planted a huge garden and put in a wood stove. I put Zadok in his little pouch almost everyday and went walking around the neighborhood, breathing in the country air. I was happy there, but starting to really feel like I needed to find some friends that I connected with.

It was one Sunday at church that I finally saw another Mom wearing her baby in a sling. Our eyes caught immediately and I knew it was friendship at last.
This Mama introduced me to the Mei-tai babycarrier, which is, to this day, my most favorite baby sling in the world. She gave me my first Mei-tai as a gift, then taught me how to pick out the right fabrics and sew them, and then how to really enjoy babywearing as an integral part of my whole parenting experience.
I already knew that wearing your baby in a sling means more than buying a product; it's a powerful way to connect with your baby, and ease the challenges of parenting. However, owning a Mei-tai, made it all so much more enjoyable!
Micah and I have countless experiences of wearing our babies close to us to get through hard things, like teething, sickness, crankiness, owies, and fears. Especially Zadok, who is so shy, the Mei-tai really helped him feel secure. I can still remember the way he'd snuggle his head down into my chest when we entered a busy room.

It's no wonder my eyes perk up whenever I see another Mom with her baby in a sling, because there's always that possibility that she might feel the same way I do about babywearing. (Although, I realize It's not always that way, but the chances are high in my favor.) Finding friends is often difficult when you move to a new place, so having this commonality made it much easier for me. (And yes, I eventually made new friends who didn't wear their babies in slings, too.)

So although Idaho wasn't really where we wanted to stay forever and we've since moved on, that's where I first discovered that Mei-tais make friends.

This is our very first Mei-tai, gifted from our friend. In this photo, I hadn't learned how to use it correctly, yet. (Notice the bunched-up straps.)

Check out my "babywearing" label for more babywearing pix and info

The Ice -cream parlor

When I first moved to Provo Utah in 2002, to attend college, I knew about one person. It was a huge adjustment for me, moving to this new town and starting out brand new. The school was so big and so different from my small hometown college in Hawaii.
I found a place to live with 3 other girls whom I had nothing in common with and didn't feel compelled to hang out with. There were some lonely weeks walking to and from my classes, waiting to meet and make new friends. I tried to be social and smile at all the strangers I met, but it wasn't until months after I moved there that I finally found my social niche, and found the friends I really connected with. (friends that are still some of my besties today)

I remember one, cold, snowy night at the very beginning, my roommate came home and convinced me to go to a church social FHE, where all the single college students from our church got together once a week to do some fun activity or another. She really had to twist my arm to go, as I had been to one before, and it didn't really knock my socks off.
I finally concluded that I could use some social interaction, so I went. I figured it wouldn't hurt to make some new acquaintances, and maybe even a new friend.

This particular night about 25 students were car-pooling to an ice-cream parlor for shakes. I jumped in a car with a bunch of girls and guys I didn't know very well. We chit chatted and exchanged names. We ordered ice-cream and talked about school. After we finished our ice-cream shakes I excused myself and went to the restroom.
When I came out several minutes later everyone was gone. I couldn't believe it. I had to walk about 2 miles back to my house in a downpour of snow! It was cold, dark, and pretty scary. I knew in my heart of hearts they didn't leave me on purpose. I found out later what happened was that nobody knew me well enough to care which car I came in, or which car I was driving home in, so they all just ignorantly left me there.
That experience made me kind of bitter at first, but led me to laugh about it later on, when I finally found wonderful friends who cared about me.

Spirit of love here

Our Christmas Tree-slightly crooked, but lovely as can be! Traditionally we have trekked into the woods to cut down our own tree, but this year my Dad picked one up for us at Smiths while he was here. It was a good thing, especially since all the permits ran out early so we might've been stuck getting a holiday cactus from BLM land.

I feel so blessed this week. I feel the Spirit of love has been in full force, as we've been recipients of so many thoughtful gifts. It seems that each day a little card or gift has come in the mail, reminding us that we are loved. It's been especially nice for me, because I still feel like I'm in this strange transition; still cautiously dipping my toes into the great Salt Lake area, unsure if I'm ever going to dive in and feel comfortable or if we're going move away again? So even though I feel a bit isolated at times, there is love finding it's way from all over, right to our doorstep.

The other night our doorbell rang and when we opened it, we heard the scurry of feet running away into the dark. We then looked down to find a big, basket of secret Santa gifts and goodies. I should have thought to take a picture, but we were so excited, we pulled everything out immediately! The love and thoughtfulness that went into this basket of goodies was overwhelming. Little tears came to my eyes as I thought of the hands that put together this collection of presents for our family; toys for the kids, pumpkin ice-cream and sparkling soda, popcorn and candy for all the enjoy. We still haven't opened all the gifts, except I admit I opened one yesterday (don't tell Zadok he'll get mad I opened something before Christmas!), and it was a book. This book, in fact:

And I loved it. It is a beautiful book that spoke inspiration to me immediately. It is a book about hope, love, sacrifice,confidence, learning from mistakes, and the power to be yourself in a topsy turvy world. It reminded me of Jonathan Livingston Seagull, only more sweet and whimsical! It reminded me today to lift up my spirits and live up the rest of the day ahead. What a wonderful, little book that I will cherish forever!

With respect to all Secret Santa's out there, we won't try to guess who you are. We will be happy and grateful that we have friends in SLC who know us and love us, whoever you may be.......

I am also so grateful for this baby. Have I mentioned that his smile fills my heart with immediate happy? I love him so much!



With my brother and his wife's permission they said I could share some pictures of baby Elliott, their brand new baby boy. Him and Jonah are exactly 2 months apart. He looks like the sweetest, most handsome little guy, and I can't wait to meet him someday. For now, I will do what I can, and drool over his photos.



The night I heard they had gone into labor to have him, I felt like a nervous grandparent, waiting patiently yet anxiously for the news that he had arrived. After so many hours I couldn't stand it any longer and called my Mom to see what was happening! Turns out that after 36 hours of natural labor and a popped BOW, his 10.2 lb body still refused to come down the birth canal and they were headed for the surgery room. I remember immediately getting down on my knees and tearfully thanking God for the medical technology we have to bring this baby boy safely into the world. It was an experience that changed me a bit. I've had friends and associates that have been through these things before, but it was never one of my own. This was family, and when it's family, your feelings of empathy magnify completely. I am so glad that Elliott is here, and that he has the strongest, most amazing parents, who sacrificed so much physically and mentally to bring him here. I love you guys!
And merry first Christmas little Elliott!

Lastly, Micah got a job teaching sciences at a middle school, so this is his last week at the therapeutic boarding school. He is really excited. After so many years with that youth population, I think he's ready for a fresh start! So, with some extra days off, we decided to head to California for Christmas, to spend some family time with the Jacksons. Family is important to us, and we are so happy when we get to see our loved ones.
I am also really excited about all the little gifts I have made this year. I have been busily sewing like a mad-woman. I've been wanting to post pictures so badly of the projects I've been working on, but that would give it away. Maybe after Christmas.
p.s. I love my sewing machine, which was a thoughtful gift from Micah, many Christmases ago.....

We wish you all a very Merry Christmas and hope each of you finds the Spirit of love that Christmas brings into your lives!

Cuddling bundles.

Holiday compliments......a weighty issue

I learned something very valuable when I spent a year working at an eating disorder treatment center in 2003. I won't go too deep into how me working at an eating disorder treatment center changed my life, but I will tell you what I took away from being in that environment.
First of all, it was an eating disorder treatment facility for girls, ages 12+, but that doesn't mean that eating disorders are limited to girls. Men and young boys are afflicted by eating disorders, too. However, being a girl myself, I could really relate, and became vicariously involved with many of the things being taught there, to those girls seeking treatment at the time.

Many of the girls and women that came into the treatment center had lived their lives under some sort of abuse, weather sexual abuse, physical abuse, or verbal abuse from family or associates around them. Some of the girls had been victims of rape, and molestation, coming in with their tattered and worn self-esteems dragging behind them. Many were sad, hopeless, and discouraged, that life had anything else to offer besides their addiction and their self-loathing. There were some situations that I couldn't barely stand to hear about, and would find myself coming home and bawling in my bed, feeling so sad and hopeless for the fate of humanity.

Eating disorders become a way to numb oneself; to rid oneself of all the feelings of doubt and fear in your life. Just like drugs and alcohol, they are an addictive drug, only they can be hidden really well. Things like obsessive exercising, starving yourself, chronic dieting, cleansing and flushing, binging and purging, obsessing over food every day.....these are just a few signs of an eating disorder. They come in all sorts of varieties and severities, and most of them can be passed off as normal? societal and cultural feelings towards food. However, a victim of an eating disorder knows the misery of waking up each day as a slave to your body, a slave to food. As your thoughts, your words, and your actions, all revolve around what you are going to eat that day, and how it's going to manifest itself in your days' activities, it becomes a discouraging and depressing way to live. Getting professional help is the smartest thing one could do.

I mentioned that many of the girls that came to the center were victims of serious abuse, however, this wasn't true for all of them. (However, each person's subjective experience with what abuse is, should not be undermined.) Some girls that came to the center were simply dragged into the guilt and shame that we see each day as victims of media exposure. For most young girls these days, being thin is a sign of approval. It is validated each time they open a magazine, or watch a TV show, where the most beautiful, popular girls are those who have lost the most weight and are the skinniest. It's true. We can't deny that girls aren't pressured and coerced to obsess over their bodies, so they can fit in, be popular, be successful, be beautiful, find boyfriends/husbands, etc... It's sickening, and all too often it creeps into our lives, as hard as we try to stay away from it all.

One valuable thing I would like to share, which I learned from working with those beautiful, courageous, and amazing girls and women, is this: As we get together with friends and family, sharing hugs, food, and celebrating the holidays, try leaving the weight out of it.
One of the things we naturally want to do when we see our friends and family, is compliment them. We may see our sister, aunt or cousin, who we haven't laid eyes on for years, so, we say things like, "Oh you look good! "You've lost so much weight!" "You look like you didn't even have a baby!" "Your so thin, are you eating?" "Your pants are falling right off you!" "Wow-you look great-are you dieting?" "You look good, you look so thin!"

What seem like harmless compliments to friends and family, can also send serious messages of approval and disapproval to them as well.
One of my roommates in college (who didn't have an ED) shared the story of her aunt, who every time she saw her, would say,"Oh you look so thin! You look gorgeous!" On one occasion, she met up with her aunt for a lunch date, and her aunt didn't say a thing about her weight that time. She says she remembers feeling strangely disappointed and rejected, as if her aunt no longer approved of her because she didn't comment on her weight. See how it can backfire?
If so many women associate being thin with social success and approval, what message are we sending when we comment on someones weight? Although we've all done it, and sometimes it has felt good to hear, it can have serious affects on the way we feel and view ourselves and others. Just ask the women who come to seek professional treatment each day, because they really believe that being thin means being better.

When we see our friends and family these holidays, and we want to show our love and give our compliments, why not say things like, "You are wonderful." "You are a true friend." "Your smile is radiant." "You light up the room when you walk in." "You bring me such happiness to have you in my life." "You are beautiful."

These are the words that can truly lift people up around you, and leave a lasting, and healthy impression on their lives.

I left that job with so many insights into how I can better love myself, love my body, and have a normal perspective of how to view food and eating. It was life-changing, but I need to be reminded from time to time to not let the world teach me otherwise. I want to be an example to those around me, who may be struggling with these issues. I want people to know that when we see others, we should focus on their beauty, their talents, and their ability to love and be loved. And leave the weight out of it.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends and family who love me for who I am.

a little perspective and a pink bus

I woke up this past Wednesday morning with ants in my pants. I was really itching for something...but I wasn't sure what. I found out 5 hours later, as I pulled into Cedar City, that it was a spontaneous road trip down south that I needed.

When I started driving I wasn't sure where I was going to stay, or if the bus would even make it. I wasn't sure if our baby could handle being in the car that long. I wasn't sure what I would tell Micah when he called me after work, and found out I threw the kids in the car and drove away for a few days. I also wasn't sure if I was sane?? It was an emotionally-charged, spur of the moment, somewhat stress full decision I made, all in the course of about 20 minutes. Then I was on the freeway, driving.....and driving...and driving......until I saw that sign that says, "Welcome to Iron County", and realized I was far away from my house.

Well, turns out that I have dear friends who took care of me, a 34 year old VW bus that refuses to quit, a baby that needed to sleep a lot, a compassionate husband who understood me, and that I am not so insane after all.....

Because, I found out a few things about myself on this road trip, which helped me come back with a fresh perspective. And fresh perspectives are what life is made of.

Fresh perspective #1- I really appreciate friends. Sometimes you don't realize what good people you have in your life, until you leave them. I really love and miss the friends we made down there, and hope they each know what amazing impacts they've left on me.
One of our La Leche League Leaders up here says at every meeting,"The wonderful thing about coming to LLL meetings, is that it's one of the only places you can complain about nursing, and no ones going to tell you to wean your baby." I love that she always says that. It is so true. When you are in a safe place, where people understand you and know your heart, then you don't feel bad bitching a little about the things that are important to you, because they understand. And that's what I love about these friends. I can sit there and be myself, and break open the surface of my life, and no one gives me advice. I came back realizing that I need to be a better listener in my life. I need to be a safe place where people can be themselves, and I won't tell them to (metaphorically) wean.


Fresh perspective #2- A little about my religion-
I have been really struggling with going to church lately and questioning my motives. It seems the "day of rest" has turned into a battle with my kids to get them dressed, keep them quiet and happy, and convince them that Primary doesn't kill them. Plus, this new ward seems to be a bunch of deadbeats, with rapid turnover rates, making it impossible to get to know anyone. I've also been struggling with finding time for Spiritual renewal and meditation in my own life. I can't remember the last time Micah and I attended the Temple, or consistently said our prayers together. I was starting to feel like I was drowning in guilt and wishes, that I couldn't live up to all these ideals.
But, post road trip, I came back with a fresh perspective. Don't ask me how. Maybe it was the long silences as my children napped, that allowed me to think and meditate on my life. Perhaps it was meeting up with an old friend who shared some incredible insights about herself that really inspired me. Perhaps it was that talk I had with God, to cut me a little slack for being a slacker. Whatever the combination of things, I came back feeling renewed.
At church today I knew we were all supposed to be there. The Spirit touched me hardcore. I kept thinking over and over that I have to strengthen myself and look for opportunities to serve. I have to strengthen myself, not judge anyone else, or wait for anyone else. I have to remember that this church is made up of millions of individuals, and I am no better nor worse than anyone else. We all come with our own story, and we are all on our own path. (So, when I have to endure one more testimony meeting that is all about Aunt Bertha's kidney transplant, I have to remember that we are all finding our own way.)
There is purpose in attending my meetings, and there is purpose in getting our kids there. After church today I felt an incredible high, and a love for all my brothers and sisters in the ward. I couldn't wait to get my new calling so I could serve them better. I couldn't wait to come back next week to renew my covenants and learn more about the gospel of Christ.
I realized there are going to be times in life where I feel like I'm not living up to my ideals. And that's okay. Our Heavenly Father made us, and he didn't make us perfect. Next time I feel like I am drowning, I need to remind myself that Christ is here to sink a little with me, and then when I'm ready, rise with me to surface again. It's okay to drown a little with Jesus as my buoy. (dude--that should totally be a bumper sticker)

Fresh perspective #3- I'm a lot like our old, pink VW bus. We are a little eccentric, sometimes show-offy, and like to stand out in a crowd, but we are also simple, reliable, and easy to maintain. We like to go slow, enjoy life, and carry our precious cargo with us. And sometimes when we hit those big, hard, upward hills, we struggle. Except then, when we get to the top, we like to speed down as fast as we can, going, "Weeeeeeehooooooooo! This is fun!! I may be in my thirties, getting a little rusty and old, but I'm going to make it!"

Fresh Perspective #4- See that man standing above, next to old Pinkie? He's the love of my life. As I was driving home all I wanted was to be with him. I missed him. Most days we live in a chaotic heap of laundry, with wild boys bouncing all over the house. Some days we barely get a chance to hug. Some days I yearn for a date night out with this man, and know it's a pipe dream. But, every day I love him, and every day I am so grateful he is mine. Thanks for being my home, wherever that may be.

Choosing today

Personal stress + anxiety + being pregnant + playing with hyper boys all day + extreme hunger = middle of the night insomnia. So here I am, at 2am, typing on my blog again.

I dream of the day when I can just get some rest. Unfortunately, it's not right now. I have to admit, though, that some nights I get an almost solid 9 hours...except for the startling loud, wake-ups from our 2 year olds' nightmares.
His nightmares wake him up screaming and crying, and they're usually about very important things (to a two-year old). Like one night he woke up crying that he dropped his bowl on the ground. And another night it was about his big brother taking his ball away. Another night it was about wanting a quesadilla...now!
Poor kid-- I wish I could share the pangs of such (trivial) concerns. A pat on the back and a gentle whisper of, "Mommy's right here," will send him back into sleepland.
But no, my nightmares right now are about finding jobs, and moving houses, and getting to spend more time with my husband.....and on and on. Maybe If I could just sleep it away-but then I have to wake up, eventually.

Anyways, this post is about choosing. I've found that, even though I feel stressed, and I worry, and everything things so chaotic right now, I am choosing to be happy today.

I am choosing to wake up and smile, and hug my kids, no matter how grumpy I feel tomorrow.
I am choosing to be a more encouraging spouse; be more of a giver, rather than a taker.
I am choosing to be nice, even when I feel like being mean.
I am choosing to laugh, even when I want to cry.
I am choosing to be playful and fun, when all I want is time alone.
I am choosing not to yell, (but to gently explain to a two year old that hitting his brother is not good....again and again and again and again)
I am choosing to wake up tomorrow with renewed strength and energy to face the day.
I am choosing to let go of my stress and be happy with the life I have.
I am choosing to trust God more and not worry so much.
I am choosing to have a good weekend.

Thanks for letting me vent. Off to refrigerator....

Your own drum

Our bedroom has become the official "bed" room. For the past 4 years our King sized bed has been the family bed for all of us. So, we bought another bed to go next to the King. Now we have a King, a Twin, and a toddler bed, all squeezed into one room. I walked in after we were all done rearranging, and it seriously made me smile and feel so happy!
We've never liked the idea of being separated from our babies. We've never used a crib, and have always loved the the warmth, the scent, the safety, and the ease of nursing, with babies sleeping in our bed. And then as the babies grew older, it only seemed natural that they should keep cuddling with us at night.
The other night Zadok put his little arms around me at around 3am and whispered "I love you so much, Mama." It made my heart melt. I know my kids need us at night...and we need them. This new arrangement is wonderful!

I was thinking how grateful I am for people in my life who do what's right for them, and what they want, without thought or care of what others think. Strong, confident, moral individuals, who think for themselves.

My grandmother is a lot this way, and I truly look up to her for her courage to be different, in a mainstream, judgmental world. She always marched to the beat of her own drum, and never cared if anyone followed. She took ownership of her life and lived it to her fullest....Her religion was her own, her family was her own, her hobbies and interest were her own, and her life was her own, however she wanted to make it. She is 99 now, and ready to leave this crazy Earth, but she'll always be a role model for me.

This is something I strive for in my life, not just as a Mother, but as a person.

Healing Sunshine!

We have many beautiful, sunny days here. One of our favorite things to do is find a bit of bike path that follows the river, and explore!

We find bridges, and snow tracks, river rocks, and sticks. All of the things that little kids love to pick up, play with, and make up funny games. I love to walk along the path and look up at the great, big mountains. The sun on my face is refreshing and healing after a long day indoors.



If we are outside when the sun goes down, I have a daily mantra I like to say. It goes like this, "Goodbye Sun. Thank you for another beautiful day. We'll see you again tomorrow."
It is short and sweet, but I like to say it, and have been saying it for the past couple of years. Now Zadok says it with me, too. I think it reminds me to be grateful for the miracle of the sun, and to acknowledge that we are aware of it's daily presence in our lives.

Happy Sunshine!

31....again

This picture: A frightened deer in headlights......or me turning 31? You decide.

I turned 31 this week. I have to remark, however, that besides being excited to be officially in my 30's, I am also really excited about how much use we have gotten out of these #3 and #1 candles!

We originally purchased them when Micah turned 31 (3 years ago). Then, we used the #1 when our 1 year old turned 1. Then, we were able to use them again last year when our 3 year old turned, well, three. We used them for me last year when I turned 30, adding that the #1 was for good luck. (So, obviously, this year I didn't get an extra good luck candle.What's up with that?)
I am pretty sure we could use them when our 1 year old turns 2, explaining that 3 minus 1 equals 2 , but that might be stretching it for a 2 year old.

Anyways, just wanted to let people know that sometimes getting older simply means being a cheap-skate on buying new candles.

p.s. Thanks everyone who wished me a Happy Birthday! I am stoked you remembered!!

This is last year's cake! Don't let the #1 fool you. I was soooooo young back then.

30 days of Happiness-- The End

Well, I started this 30 days of happiness journey 30 days ago, and I have to admit that, (If I could give myself a scholastic grade here for a moment), it would be a C+. I did the assignment, but didn't follow the directions completely. Not that I couldn't find 30 days of happiness in my life, I just couldn't find the will to blog like I used to, for 30 days straight, nor could I find any reason to be happy on one particular day. Ahhhhhhhh. Oh well.

It's been almost a year since I started my blog and I've really quite enjoyed it. It has definitely been a big adventure for me in so many ways, and it came into being at a time that I needed an extra creative outlet. It has been a lot of fun.

I've learned more about how the world wide web works, for example. I've also learned about the world of blogging and bloggers, and blogs galore! I've learned that there are some really neat blogs out there to read and learn from, but I don't have the time in my life to read them all. I like to read my friends blogs the most. :) I've learned that there are people who read my blog who I don't even know, and people who read my blog that are my neighbors. I've learned that my most devoted blog readers will always be my parents. Awwwwwwww....so sweet. I've mostly really enjoyed the feedback I've received from my writing. Writing has always been something I've really enjoyed doing, and I have loved the outlet that blogging has provided for me, in that way.

I've also learned that there is a season for everything in my life, and it's a good to learn when something needs to come to a close, or slow down considerably. More and more I find myself being pulled in so many other directions, and feel less and less of a need or want to write on my blog. (Quite literally, Odin is pulling me into the living room to help him put all the caps back on the markers as I write.)
So, perhaps I will just post every once in a awhile. Okay? Okay!!

(a happy picture of yours truly)

So, back to happiness. This year is my 30th year, and it has been great. If I live to be 90 years old, I have already lived 1/3 of my life. Isn't that a good reason to find true happiness and stick to it? I feel like the past several months I have been sorting out the nitty gritty of it all: what I truly need, to be, and to stay, happy for the next 6o years. I'm sure this list will add-to, as my journey continues, but this is what I have figured out for the first 30 years, and will continue to believe and do for the next 60:

*God is my foundation for everything good in life. My relationship with him is an absolute priority. I need to trust Him, love Him, and talk with Him every day.
*I need my Husband to live with, to laugh with, to cry with, to discover life with.
* I need to raise my children and give my all to them; with love and tenderness.
*I have to be outside every day, to feel the sunshine, breathe fresh air, and enjoy nature.
*Friends bring such joy to my life. I want to spend time with those who care about me most.
*Keep good relations with my family, and let them know I care.
*Be conscience of neighbors and associates around me who need my help. "Charity never faileth."
*Only read and study what is pertinent to my life. The world of knowledge is overwhelming, and gets in the way of necessity and truth.
* Don't develop a cyber life. I am most happy when I stay off the Net and stick to simple things like reading a good book, playing with my kids, and cooking a good meal. (Although fascinating, fun, and informative, If my time starts to get too sucked into cyberspace, I start to feel depressed.)
*Physical exercise is my happiness fuel. I don't ever want to under-play my need for exercise. It's an absolute daily priority for me.
*The word of God is as necessary as water for me. If I don't read my scriptures, I feel an unquenchable thirst inside my soul. The word of God has the power to nourish me daily.
*Teach my kids what is most valuable to me through example.
*Be consistent in everything I do.

May you all have a very happy day!
(a photo of some Jacksons. Check out Micah's bad-ass motorbike in the background)

In all seriousness........

I feel like I've been spilling my guts lately, with all my personal inspirations and insights. It's been good, though, because I need to get it off my chest, and I appreciate the feedback from others. It's always refreshing for me to see that I'm not the only one trying to figure it all out.

I realized awhile back that everyone is in a constant state of change.

Don't we all need a chance to change??.... To overcome weaknesses,look for happiness, forgive regrets, find new ways of dealing with problems, love our enemies, to live better, do better, be happier, and enjoy life along the way?
Furthermore, I am constantly putting my foot in my mouth, and just hoping that others haven't permanently coined me a certain way. I don't always have the best manners or best words to say, but I sure am trying.
I truly believe we are all constantly changing, and just wanted to remind myself of that fact.

Aloha and God bless, all my wonderful friends and family.

Here's a photo to lighten the load of seriousness:


(My sister used to sing Led Zepplin's D'yer Maker to me and changed the words to "Oh. oh oh oh oh oh, Sally has a Fro-oh, oh, oh, oh oh. Good times, sister.. Then she fro-ed me)